Don't Let Me Get Me
by WritingIsMyDream
Summary: This is a song sung by Pink (duh!) I got bored and thought this fan fiction up while I listened to the song. This in an Ellie Nash fan fiction about her insecurities about herself.
1. Everyday I fight a war against the mirro

Chapter 1: Everyday I Fight A War Against The Mirror 

"Hey Ellie," Ashley Kerwin said, coming up next to her best friend as they walked down the halls of Degrassi Community School.

"Hey, Ash," Ellie replied, watching her feet as she walked.

"What's up?" Ashley asked, with concern in her voice.

Ellie shook her head. "Nothing," she said. "I'm just really tired that's all."

"Studying for Kwan's test?"

"Yeah."

"So was I."

"Yeah," Ellie replied. That was all she felt like saying. She got a call from her dad, he wouldn't be coming home for a while and she missed him like crazy. But she thought it would be kind of strange if he did come home, she was so used to her mom's daily ritual—drink until she passes out on the couch, wake up the next morning with a blasting headache, throw up until she can't puke anymore, and then starts all over with the drinking. She was worried about her mom. But she was glad she talked to the school counselor and had her co-op job to look forward to every afternoon.

"You sure you're ok, El?" Ashley asked.

Ellie looked up at her and nodded. "Yeah," she said. "Yeah, I'm just fine."

"Ok," Ashley replied, she wasn't sure if she should believe her best friend or not.

Ellie could tell that Ashley was having a Shakespearean battle inside her head—to believe Ellie or not to believe Ellie, that is the question. "I promise," she said. She even forced a smile to spread across her face.

Ashley smiled. "Ok," she replied. "I got to get to class."

"Ok," Ellie said. She watched as Ashley took off down the hallway to class. Ellie ducked into the bathroom and stopped as she saw Paige Michalchuk and Hazel Aden reapplying make-up.

Paige looked at Ellie, up and down in the mirror. Ellie knew that Paige—like the others at Degrassi besides her best friends, Ashley and Marco del Rossi—was judging her by her outfit. She also knew about Ellie's cutting a while back. Paige had talked her into seeing the school counselor and she was grateful for that. But after seeing that Ellie was ok, Paige went back to being Paige.

"Come on, Haze," Paige said. "Let's get to class."

Hazel nodded and she and Paige left.

_She's like a dog on a leash_, Ellie thought. _She does whatever Paige tells her to._

Ellie turned and looked into the mirror. Her reflection stared back at her. She sighed. She hated the way she looked sometimes. Especially today, the washer had broken down so she had to wear the same clothes that she had worn earlier that week, not too mention when she was walking to school she slipped and fell into a mud puddle. _Today's just not your day, Ellie_, she thought. She sighed and looked at her reflection.

"Hey, Ellie," her reflection seemed to say. "On the other side of this mirror my life is _perfect_! It's a lot better than yours is."

Ellie blinked and looked at the mirror.

"Have you given it a thought," her reflection was _talking _to her now. "That maybe _you_ turned Marco gay?"

Ellie shook her head and turned away from the mirror. "Have you thought maybe your parents don't really love you?" the reflection shouted.

Ellie's muscles tightened. She turned and the reflection was smiling an evil grin. "Sh-" she started but then she shook her head. She was going losing her mind. She closed her eyes and realized that she had been daydreaming as she leaned over the sink staring at her reflection.

The bell rang and she turned and ran out of the bathroom and ran to class.

Everyday she fought a war against the mirror…


	2. Can’t take the person staring back at me

Chapter 2: Can't take the person staring back at me

Ellie walked into her bedroom later that night and sat down on the bed. She had stopped at The Dot and got something to eat before heading home.

Her mother was passed out on the couch. "Right on schedule," she said as she had walked pass the living room.

Ellie looked up and caught her reflection again.

Ellie touched her hair. There were some days like this when she couldn't take the person staring back at her. Some days she just _hated_ herself and this was one of those days.

Ellie peeled off her dry mud-caked clothes and changed into something else. She knew she should've changed before getting something to eat but she didn't want to come into this house. She sat back down and looked at the pictures in the mirror.

There were pictures of her and her family. Back when they were all together and happy! There were even a couple of pictures of Ashley, some were ripped getting rid of Craig, courtesy of Ashley herself. There was also one of Marco and another of him and Dylan.

Ellie realized that she was happy when she was with her family. Happy when she was with Ashley, who was also happy. Happy when she was with Marco, whom she believed was her soul mate. She blinked and tears rolled down her face. She finally realized that she was never going to be happy again.


	3. I’m a hazard to myself

Chapter 3: I'm a hazard to myself

Ellie walked into the bathroom and closed the door locking it behind her. She rolled up her sleeve and looked at the scars on her arm. She opened the drawer under the sink and pulled out a razor blade.

The sharp metal touched her skin and she drew a line across her arm, the blood flowed over the scars and she put the blade down and watched the blood flow over her arm. She touched it with her fingers and stared at it, amazed at what she had done. At what she had (thought) she stopped doing months ago.

She grabbed a rag and pressed it against the cut and held it. She looked up at her reflection.

The girl on the other side, smiled at her. "Do it again," she seemed to say. "Go on."

Ellie pulled the rag off and picked up the blade and went to press it to her skin again when her mother beat on the door. "Ellie!" her mother yelled.

"In a minute!" Ellie cleaned the blade off and dropped it into the wastebasket and threw some toilet paper on top of it. She looked at the rag in her hands and folded it up and stuck it in her pocket. She grabbed some band-aids and put them over the cut. She pulled her sleeve back down and took off out of the bathroom, where her mother stumbled inside.

Ellie walked into her bedroom and sat down. She touched the place where she had cut herself and blinked away tears.


	4. Don’t let me get me

Chapter 4: Don't let me get me

"Hey, Ellie," Sean said, walking over and sitting down next to her. Craig Manning sat down next to him.

"Hey, Ellie," Craig replied, smiling.

Ellie looked at both of the boys like they hadn't even said her name. "What?" she asked.

"Are you ok?" Craig asked.

"I'm fine, guys," she said.

Sean looked at her and then at his friend. Craig nodded and went to talk to Spinner, Jimmy, and Marco. Sean turned to Ellie. "You sure you're ok?" he asked. "You seem almost out of it."

"I said I'm fine," she snapped.

Sean looked at her and blinked. "Come on, Ellie," he said. "I just asked if you were ok you don't have to go psycho maniac killer on me."

She blinked. "I'm sorry."

"Marco's pretty worried about you," Sean said. "So is Ashley."

"Oh," she replied. "Sorry, I didn't get enough sleep last night." That lie had just slipped over her blood-red painted lips like everything she had said. Like her being "fine". But she wasn't. Saying nothing when someone asked her what was wrong. She was looking them in the eye and lying to their faces.

He nodded. "That's ok," he replied. "Do you want to talk?"

"About what?"

"Whatever."

She shrugged and sat down on the bench of one of the tables and he sat down on the table next to her. "Do you want to start?"

He shrugged. "Why don't you go first?"

Ellie shook her head. She was afraid that she might spill everything out to him.

"Why don't _you_ go first," she said.

"Ok," Sean replied. "What's happening with you?"

"Why is it about _me_?" she asked. "Can't it be about you?"

"I was thinking that you had a much more interesting life than me."

"You know what," she said. "I don't really want to talk about anything."

Ellie jumped up and walked away. She didn't feel like talking. She felt like screaming. "STOP ME! PLEASE! I WANT TO STOP WHAT I'M DOING TO MYSELF! DON'T LET ME GET ME!"


	5. I’m my own worst enemy

Chapter 5: I'm my own worst enemy

Ellie walked to the bathroom and ran inside a stall after seeing that she wasn't alone in the bathroom. She heard Emma and Manny talking and while she waited for them to leave, she locked the door and climbed up onto the toilet and sat down. She pulled her arm warmer off and peeled off the band-aids and looked at the cut, standing out against the scars.

She heard the girls leave and then she pulled her arm warmer back on and wrapped her arms around herself and leaned forward.

What was wrong with her? What happened to the punk girl she use to be? Not caring what anyone said about her, but now when she heard people talking about her she took it too literal. She just wanted to hurt herself.

_I'm my own worst enemy_, she concluded.


	6. It’s bad when you annoy yourself

Chapter 6: It's bad when you annoy yourself

Ellie heard the last bell of the day and realized that she had skipped the rest of her classes. She jumped off of the toilet and took off out of the school losing herself in the swarm of kids.

"Hey, Ellie," Marco said, running up to her. "Where were you last period?"

She shrugged.

"You skipped?" he asked.

"No," she lied. "I was with Raditch." _Oh my God_, she thought. _I'm lying to my _best _friend…to his FACE!_

"Oh," he said. He didn't seem to notice her little white lie. He shrugged. "I have the notes if you want to copy them."

He handed her his notebook and she took it. "Thanks," she replied.

Marco looked up and saw Dylan and smiled. "Um, Ellie," he said. "I'll talk to you later."

Ellie followed his eyes and smiled. "Oh, ok," she replied.

Marco took off over to Dylan and Ellie smiled. She was glad he was with someone that made him happy. Too bad it wasn't her.

Ellie sighed and walked out of the school.

There were so many thoughts going through her head at once and she stared off into space. She didn't realize it until she walked right into Sean. She fell backwards onto the sidewalk, anyone (ok, everyone) who had seen, pointed and laughed at her.

Sean glared at them and they turned and scattered, Sean reached down and picked her up off of the ground. "You ok?" he asked.

"Is that all you people can say?" she snapped at him.

"Sorry," he replied. "But you fell pretty hard."

"Oh, that. Yeah I'm fine."

"What did you _think _I was talking about?"

She shrugged. "I don't know."

Sean looked at her questionably. "Could I walk you home?" he asked, finally after a few minutes of awkward silence.

"Um," she said. "No."

"No?" he asked.

"That's what I said."

He looked at her and dropped his eyes to her arm, she looked down and a little bit of a scar was showing. She pulled her arm warmer up. Sean's eyes snapped up at her. "Ok," he replied. "Just pay attention to what you're doing, Ellie."

She nodded. "I will," she replied.

He looked at her and then smiled. "Ok," he said.

"Ok." She grinned and turned and walked away fast.

She hated lying to people, saying that she was ok. But then again, she couldn't stop herself. Just like with cutting. She couldn't stop herself.


	7. So irritating

Chapter 7: So irritating

Ellie walked into the house and logged onto the internet. There were a bunch of messages from Ashley, Sean, and Marco. She didn't check any of them. She just clicked SELECT ALL and then clicked on the trash icon and deleted them all.

She turned away from the computer and leaned back in her chair and tried to remember everything she thought about when she skipped her classes. But couldn't. "Ugh," she groaned. "This is so irritating! I can't remember _anything_ anymore."

She sighed and jumped up as the phone rang. She ran down the hall and picked up the phone.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Ellie, it's um, me," a voice said. "I mean, it's Sean."

"Sean?" she asked.

"Yeah," he replied. "What's up?"

"Didn't you just see me?"

"Yeah," he said. "But there was something I forgot to ask you at school."

"What?"

"Well, tomorrow's Friday and I was wondering if you'd like to go to the movies with me or something."

Her heart pounded in her throat and she cleared her throat and said, "Yeah. I'd love to."

"Alright," he said. "Pick you up tomorrow at seven?"

"Yeah. That'll be fine."

"Alright. See you."

"See you."

Ellie hung up the phone and smiled. Maybe things were getting better for her. She ran to her room, closing the door behind her.


	8. Don’t want to be my friend no more

Chapter 8: Don't want to be my friend no more

Ellie waited outside on the porch for Sean. She looked at her watch, it was almost seven. She saw him walking up the sidewalk and she ran over to him. "Hi," she said.

"I thought I was going to pick you up at your house," he replied.

"Well, you did."

"No, I mean, going to the door and—"

"It's a waste of time. Let's go."

He nodded and they took off to the mall.

The movie they went to see was anything but good. It more or less stunk. "That was bad," Sean said as they left the mall.

"Definitely bad," Ellie agreed.

He smiled. "At least we agree on the same thing."

She nodded.

"But the date, what did you think of that?"

"Not bad," she replied.

He smiled. "We still have some time to kill," he replied. "Do you want to go to the park?"

"For what?"

He shrugged. "Just to talk."

"What is with you and talking?"

"I don't know, Ellie. I just want to get to know you."

"There's nothing to know about me. And everything about me is none of your business!"

Sean looked at her. He wasn't going to back down anytime soon. Ellie shook her head and turned to take off. He didn't reach out to grab her or anything. She just took off running.

She didn't need anyone. Not Sean, not Ashley, not Marco. Not even her dad. No one! She didn't need anyone! She just wished everyone would leave her alone! She wished that her thoughts would just go away.

She ran into her house, leaving the door open. She ran to the bathroom and grabbed a razor blade as soon as she was about to draw another crimson line on her arm her mother beat on the door. Ellie stuffed the razor in her pocket and walked out of the bathroom and stepped around her mother and went to her bedroom.

Ellie sat down on the bed, leaving the door open a crack. She didn't care if her mother saw her. She didn't care so she stood up and reached over with her foot and kicked the door open. She rolled her sleeve up and drew another line on her arm. Ellie realized that she didn't have an audience. No one was watching.

She grabbed an old shirt and put it on the cut. But it wouldn't stop bleeding. She couldn't stop bleeding! She dropped the shirt and trembled. She realized that she had gone too deep. "Oh my God," she whispered.

"Ellie?" Sean's voice asked, from the living room.

"She's in her room," her mother said. Ellie heard bottles clink together.

The blood ran down her arm. It wouldn't stop. The bleeding wouldn't stop! She cut herself again and again and again.

"Ellie?" Sean asked, closer now. Ellie looked up and saw him at the door. She felt herself falling and someone catching her.

"Ellie! Mrs. Nash, call an ambulance!" a voice was screaming. "Ellie! Ellie! Oh, God, Ellie!"


	9. I wanna be somebody else

Chapter 9: I wanna be somebody else

"Eleanor?" another voice asked, a hand touched her face.

Ellie opened her eyes and looked into the concerned eyes of her father. "Dad?" she asked.

"Thank God," he said, hugging her.

Ellie looked at her arm, it was bandaged up and a bracelet was around her wrist with her name on it. ELEANOR NASH.

She looked around the hospital room. Her mother was sitting on the chair. She was sober (for once).

"Your friends are in the waiting room," Mr. Nash said. "They're worried about you. Especially, Sean."

"Sean?"

He nodded. At the mention of his name, Sean walked in. He had dark circles under his eyes. "Hi, Ellie," he said.

"Hey," she replied.

Her parents left so that they could be alone. "You scared the hell out me, Ellie."

"I'm sorry," she said.

"What did I say that triggered you?"

"Nothing," she said. "It was what I was thinking that triggered me."

He touched her face. "Don't do anything like that ever again, Ellie."

"I won't."

"Promise?"

"Promise." She blinked and smiled.

Sean squeezed her hand and sat down and kissed her hand. "Your family cares about you," he said. "So does Ashley, Marco, and me. We all do."

"I know."

Sean went to get up to let Ashley and Marco, who were both standing at the door, talk to her. She grabbed his hand. He turned and looked at her.

"Promise me something," she said. He nodded. "Don't let me get me."

"I won't," he replied. He turned and left. Ellie smiled and talked to her other two worry-stricken friends.

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror/Can't take the person staring back at me/I'm a hazard to myself/Don't let me get me/I'm my own worst enemy/It's bad when you annoy yourself/So irritating/Don't want to be my friend no more/I wanna be somebody else

—Don't Let Me Get Me song by Pink


End file.
